feeling sick to my stomach pretty much over the chat with the elder this weekend.................

 Update 3/5/2023 being honest ain't gone to church for weeks, I need my head in a good place, I need to be in "positive environments" I've been so abused in so many churches...............CHURCH AIN'T A POSITIVE PLACE FOR ME ANYMORE! 

I've been going to the gym, and being in the word of god that's it. 

that's my positivity train lately

In this pic taken seconds ago

I'm depressed

I have legit reasons to be depressed

very few reasons to smile

life hasn't gone good for me

life has gone very bad for me

ya I got my health - I understand that

I got a roof over my head - I understand that

that I am the most blessed on earth cause usa is the richest country on earth - understand that

I'm depressed

and that's what it is til I loose about 80 lbs to be honest

if that sounds like a eating disorder to you

no it ain't

it's I have a super model for a little sister and so I've been compared to her FOR YEARS

AND I'M TIRED OF EVERYONE DEEMING ME A FAT LOOSER

  Feeling sick to my stomach pretty much over the chat with the elder this weekend.................
I talked to the elder about joining the church cause I feel left out, but joining a church to feel included in is maybe a stupid reason to become a member of a church (there's no activities at the portland church AT ALL, there's a service every sunday, and a service every other wednesday THAT'S IT) and they carrol w/silvertons church in the winter. And of course go to the silverton's church for baptismals. That's all a non-member has as far as activities go to "be a part of things" "feel included" ------------ and I don't feel included or a part of things half the time I don't even feel welcome.
John e-mailed me and said lets meet up this sunday, so I know I should go this sunday ------- MY HUSBAND IS SPEAKING TO HIM NOMADDER WHAT.............brian is 100% that the church is going fab for me...........that everyone likes me they just haven't been hanging out with us because they deem us as living to far away from the church and think that if they invite us to stuffs that we won't be able to go anyways, so they just clean don't invite us............................truelly this is what my husband believes and mike at any rate one the pastors appears to agree with my husband. I not 100% that is the case..............I could just be wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hated.
 My parents hate this church and they want me to leave it badly...........but taking that out of the equation entirelly........................I ain't sure they like me. I ain't sure they want me to be a part of their church.

   I have so many doubts, that I am a bit sick to my stomach already in advance days in advance. My husband though is 100% this is the church for me, and everyone likes me, and they just haven't hanged out with us at all because we live so far away. (besides you know last weekend mike and lisa having dinner with us, one time I went to nada's house, and one time she went to my house, that's it in 5 years) DOES NOT EASE THE QUEESE

  My mom appears to want me to alter the content of my blog so as to make myself more liked by the world and more popular..............I don't want to do that though...........I do not know about this whole guys ministry I haven't like watched all his videos or nothin...................but I agree with what he is saying here....................

   I will be hated by the world. Now if I got a bit more popular and people actually commented on blog posts more often..............HEY THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. In the past................I did do things to try and be more "popular" I THINK WE ALL DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

  I used to wear lots of makeup NOT CAUSE I ACTUALLY DEEM LOOKING LIKE A STREET WALKER AS PRETTY to be "liked" to be "popular" ----------- did it work.........sometimes. 

 Romans 8:13

For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.

Though ya you might pretty well indeed become all kinds popular while YOUR DIEING IN YOUR SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is it not better to be hated by this world AND HAVE CHRIST IN YOUR LIFE? I'D SAY YES THAT IS BETTER.............LET ME DECREASE JESUS INCREASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease."

  I do happen to be very crafty though and will likely do a post or two in the near future..............but not to try and somehow "befriend" the world. 

  I do happen to like to have friends..................but I don't desire to be "popular" if I was popular though and still following jesus..........then I'm ok with that. Long as I'm following jesus, denying myself taking up my cross following jesus everyday ------------ decreasing so that jesus can increase in my life. 

  I basically ain't tryin to be a beauty queen basically ------------- my sister is a super model she's happy that way ya she is apparently ubber ubber ubber popular. (I'm not sayin my sister ain't saved) All I'm sayin is I ain't about being "popular"

  Fact expect bad things to happen to you following jesus...........this world will not love us John 15:19 "If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of theworld, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you." 

  LOVE